I recently returned home for Xmas after a hiatus of almost nine years. The last time I was home was for my father's funeral. Now home is a small town in Eastern Quebec and there is a reason more telling for my absence than just the memories of my dad's passing. This was not a happy place growing up as the homophobia is rampant. Now I know what you are all thinking..I am grown and proud but the scars of youth are deep ones. I was in the closet the whole time I lived there but through a very understanding and proud mother the entire town and its surrounding areas are now aware of my lifestyle with all its varying propensities.
Nothing came of it..no sideways glances,no ill timed comments, and no problems whatsoever. So if we all feel like we can never go home again...I think we should be honest with the reasons. I was just a mixed bag of feelings of fear and apprehension that was unfounded once I stayed the week.
I have found love again in my life and it is such a positive clean love that I think the real reason for the dread of homecoming was the fact that I was leaving him alone without me for our first Xmas together. Although we had a wonderful pre-Xmas before I left one can never truly come to terms with the actual missing of the time. If we are apart for the milestone moments..can they ever be recaptured? Will next year be as special or will we have fallen into our lives' simple ebbs and flows that it will come and go unheralded?
I am just glad that you are in my life and the new memories will be there and captured and cherished..love you baby

   I have often wondered what constitutes an open relationship.  In the past I had defended the monogamous gay relationship..claiming it was not like the Yeti or the Loch Ness Monster but a viable breathing entity.  I think the gay soap-box was getting very lonely for me and since I love to flirt and love sex it would only be a matter of time before I got on the bandwagon and gave it a shot.  Can a person defend a position if they have no clue about the other perspective?  Now I am not saying that this is a whim..a flight of fancy..or dare I say a phase but rather I think that it is a personal decision that is guided by the wants and needs of two people.  It is great for me and my new partner in life so now comes the even bigger question...Does an open relationship exist if one or both people never take advantage of the non-monogamous state of affairs?  If a Gay Tree falls in the forest does anybody hear??
   Now as a couple we have played with others but I can't wrap my head around the reluctance to head out there and fly solo.  I am wondering if I just need to lose my virginity so to speak and then things will right themselves.  I will have the opportunity this weekend at X-Pose and even more likely at MLT as I am flying solo as my boyfriend will be in service to his Sir.

 
   In the end I know I am loved and that I am the priority and I think that that makes it all make sense.  I am not the mistress,the second thought or the booty call; I am the one he comes home to..comes home to.

So this is my first journal entry and I am a bit apprehensive about the whole deal.  On the one hand I think it is very cathartic to write down ones' ponderances and on the flip side it leaves one very vulnerable.  Vulnerability is good for growth and I think that is the key now to my happy life.
Relationships in the past have been so guarded and unreal.  I would allow my needs,hopes, and dreams to fall by the wayside for fear that if the real me were to emerge that my partner would leave me.  I always pictured growing old with my ex and when the rug was pulled out from underneath me that vision faded.  If I was being honest with myself I would have seen that wanting something to be ideal at the expense of my self-worth is only doomed to fail anyway.  I should have ended it long before he did...I guess the anger and pain was just a bruised ego more than anything else.
So now fast forward to my present love.  In my perfect world I would be smitten with a romantic, sex crazed fiend who loved me dearly and we could live happily ever after...  Well that is it for the most part but this is where it gets confusing.  We started off in an open relationship and then added to the laundry list.  He wants to explore his sub side and that was something I was ill equiped to provided so he enlisted the services of a Sir.  He needs to be a Boy and he also needs a Boyfriend.  Then throw into the new relationship blender that his Sir is a very well known Sir in the BDSM community and we have my life.
We have a very healthy relationship...we communicate until our ears bleed and I am very good friends with my boyfriend's Sir.  I think his understanding of my coming to terms with all of this has made things so much easier (the boyfriend and the Sir).  Who would have thought that 2 and a half months ago I could be processing all this without running screaming for the Hills.  Sometimes the Sir calls me a Saint and doesn't understand how I can process all the new info but I don't think it is about sainthood I think that we all must be honest and follow our urges,kinks,passions and dreams and remember that if we don't learn from the mistakes of the past we are bound to repeat them.